I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.

By any rational metric, I am boring.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.