I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

People are friendlier in New York than London.

When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.