Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f-‍-‍-ing wants them there.

The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.