The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.

If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

We in Britain stopped evolving gastronomically with the advent of the pie. Everything beyond that seemed like a brave, frightening new world. We knew the French were up to something across the Channel, but we didn't want anything to do with it.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'