Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.

When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.