One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.