Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.