I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.