I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.