Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.