I feel non-stop Brit shame!

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.

There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.

When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.

I think deep down, this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again. They long once more to be treated that badly, that politely. We did far worse things than you can possibly dream of, but we did it with that certainly gentlemanly swagger... Dreadfully sorry, but we seem to have crushed your entire continent's infrastructure. Allow me to make it up to you by offering you a job 4,000 miles away. No, no, I insist.