I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.