Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.