Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.

If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city’s traffic.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

There is no greater anesthetic than sport.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f-‍-‍-ing wants them there.