Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.