I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.

People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.