People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.

There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.

I feel non-stop Brit shame!

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.