Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'