A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.