Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.

I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.