Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.

I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.