Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.

If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.