Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.

It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.