People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.