People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.