I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

You don't really know when stand-up material is TV ready; it's just at what point you're willing to let it go and not work on it anymore. I'm not sure there is a point at which you think: 'And that is finished.'

If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead.

By any rational metric, I am boring.