It really helps a comedian to be an outsider.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.