British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.

There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers.

I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.