I would much rather America was a more stable, wonderful place. You know, I love it.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.

I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.