Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen.

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.

The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.