Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.

I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.