Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'

I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.

Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.