If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

The disconnect between America and its military is shocking.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.