If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.

If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.