If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.