When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they’ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say I’m a div and Dolphins are intelligent…It just baffles me.

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.