Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

You don't get anything done by planning

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.