The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

There’s fish in here that I’ve read about that are so see-through that they’re invisible. So I don’t even think they know they exist.

You never see an old man eating a Twix

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

I'm a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, "I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be", then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll be thinking, "I shouldn't be here!"