There’s fish in here that I’ve read about that are so see-through that they’re invisible. So I don’t even think they know they exist.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.