I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic