I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.

We're just a weed in the universe

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.