She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.