She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

Knowledge is almost annoying.

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

You never see an old man eating a Twix

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?