I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

I am pessimistic, I think that's the best way to be, because if you're always expecting the best - the best doesn't always happen. Nine times out of 10 it doesn't. I'm surprised when things go smoothly. I don't know what's wrong with being pessimistic - unless you are such a pessimist that you don't do anything.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.