I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be... ahm... voluptuous!

I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

I did feel very sexy and desirable. Those prisoners looked at me like no man ever did. I don't care how many people they killed.

The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.

My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.

If there is a gay army, I am their warrior princess.

I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.