I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn't get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.

The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.