I think the education system is great just the way it is. There's kids in my neighborhood in Los Angeles, seven years old, that can already speak fluent Spanish.

It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.

I think I sent out some résumés for marketing jobs, and they all came back in the mail because I didn't have enough postage.

Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want.

I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn’t see that as a job description anywhere.

Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing.

When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour's worth of material together.