Kevin Nealon Quotes

Roxanne came along in '86, when I was doing a lot of stand-up. I auditioned for the movie, and of course I was a huge Steve Martin fan, so I really hoped I would get this part. I don't think there was any part in particular that I auditioned for. I just went in and talked with them. There were so many parts in there, and so many comedians ended up getting in that movie, playing different firemen and townspeople.

I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper

It seems like all the sitcoms on now, the families are kind of dysfunctional.

I enjoyed living in New York City, I liked the premise of the show [Saturday Night Live], I liked working with a different host every week and different musicians. I always thought, "This is great. I never expected to get this in the first place, so I'm just happy being here."

I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn’t see that as a job description anywhere.

Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.

I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game.

I was never really an impressionist. If there was somebody within my range, maybe I could work on it and do a little exaggeration of them - which I think is really the way to do an impression.

When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while.

I think the education system is great just the way it is. There's kids in my neighborhood in Los Angeles, seven years old, that can already speak fluent Spanish.

They say that moving is one of the most stressful things in life. Death in the family is the second most stressful, and moving your dead spouse is the third.

I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push.

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person you're with.

Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness.

I don't smoke pot or cigarettes, so inhaling smoke as a non-smoker - it doesn't matter what it is, it's going to make you lightheaded.

As an actor, you're always reading scripts looking for something good.

The good thing about 'Weeds' now is, I get to play some dramatic parts in that as well.

I play a lot of sports. I'm not real good at any of them. I'm above adequate.

The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don't even mention the product until the very end. You don't really know what the commercial is all about. They're kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that's why I think they're so entertaining.

If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.

It is unconscionable for children in our prosperous country, or anywhere for that matter, to go without food. I implore everyone to contact their local and state representatives to encourage action to end hunger.

When I first began doing TV pilots, my expectations were high. I didn't understand that world. So when 'Weeds' took off, I was so happy. Especially as I was just a guest star in the pilot. But once it got picked up, they made me a regular cast member.

I went to school for marketing and advertising, so I have a special interest in good and funny commercials and why they work and why they're funny - which is one of the reasons I, like many people, like watching the Super Bowl, besides the game.

It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.

I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor.

Me and Conan O'Brien and Robert Smigel and Dana Carvey wrote a script called 'Hans and Franz: The Girlyman Dilemma,' and it was going to be co-produced with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he was going to co-star in it. We had a deal with Sony, we got paid to write it, and it was a musical, but it never got made because...I think Arnold kind of backed out at the last minute because he was getting cold feet because ;The Last Action Hero' had come out, where he was parodying himself. But it was a really funny script, and I wish it could've seen the light, because I think it would've done really well.

It is a great rush to come up with a joke that gets a good response from the audience. It's gold!

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want.

"Bruce" was an Eddie Murphy film, so there was a whole different vibe, working on that film, as opposed to working on a [Adam] Sandler film, which I'd done a few of. First of all, there were tons of kids running around. I'm surprised I ever had a kid after doing that film.

I like to stuff myself at Thanksgiving, not turkeys.

I don't mind seeing two guys kissing, you know, as long as they're clean-shaven.

As a comedian, you're kind of like a blues musician; you have to live a little bit.

The hardest thing about moving to California from Connecticut was just missing my family. If I went back, it would be just because I was homesick.

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.

I never really got into marketing. I went to school for it, but never pursued it once I got out. Instead, I went to Europe for about two months, just traveling around in youth hostels and Eurail trains with my friends.

I have a severe addiction to 'Angry Birds.' I always tell myself, 'One more game...' But then there's always another and another and another.

It's kind of fun when you're playing characters that aren't quite on the up and up and people still like you.

I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life - just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things.

I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour's worth of material together.

When a show has been on for so long, you lose fans, you gain fans. I remember this from 'Saturday Night Live.'

I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.

I played a security guard, and I think it was in the State Department. This was my first acting role, really, and I remember rehearsing it on the couch with my girlfriend at the time. I had a real problem with saying the word "incendiary." Most of my rehearsal was spent on pronouncing the word "incendiary."

A novel is too much of a commitment. I tend to peruse Twitter - I check to see if I had any mentions and read the latest messages.

Breaking News: Winds so strong in NYC The Statue of Liberty's gown just blew off!

What happened was, I always wanted to be a singer/songwriter kind of guy like a James Taylor or Crosby, Stills and Nash type of thing; I went to a lot of coffee houses and used to watch all those guys, but I never had the nerve to get up and do it because singing seems so personal and intimate to me. It was too revealing.