No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.

I'm sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory. Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.

It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you.