Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

This is called "spiritual lifting." It's not heavy lifting. The governor of Texas should not be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's a powerful position. The governor of Texas can't do any heavy lifting really. It's not that powerful a position.

They probably would've taken Jesus if he hadn't been nailed down.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

He looked a shade too healthy and nobody likes that. Particularly in New York.