I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.

The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

Happiness is a moving target.

Wandering around back stage at a willie Nelson concert is a bit like being the parrot on the shoulder of the guy who's running the Ferris wheel. It's not the best seat in the house, but you see enough lights, action, people, and confusion to make you wonder if anybody knows what the hell's going on. If you're sitting out front, of course, it all rolls along as smoothly as a German train schedule, but as Willie, like any great magician, would be the first to point out, the real show is never in the center ring. As Willie always says, Fortunately, we're not in control.

The only thing that really differentiates Texas from any other place in the world is the proclivity of its people to urinate outdoors and to attach a certain amount of importance to this popular pastime.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

They probably would've taken Jesus if he hadn't been nailed down.