I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!