I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.