I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.