Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.