Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.