Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.