Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.