Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
Kristen SchaalFingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
Kristen SchaalI wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Kristen SchaalEverybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
Kristen Schaal