This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.