This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.