I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.