I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.