The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.