The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.