The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.