The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.