It's the most fun I've had with my clothes on.

My family was so poor the lady next door gave birth to me.

To me, the [British] Open is the tournament I would come to if I had to leave a month before and swim over.

I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.

If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.

Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine.