I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

I know my name will always be linked with women.