I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.